Misery’s blog

I need some advice, or some perspective. Something.

First, this is how the story goes.

Boy  A and Girl A. Boy and Girl meet (5 long years ago), with the intention and love, sex and associated activities. Girl upon meeting finds she doesn't so much like Boy in person as the internet entity she'd come to know over the year, so Boy and Girl become friends as people sometimes do.

Years pass, Boy and Girl progress to become good and close friends. They continue and have partners on and off throughout the years, some work better than others. Along comes Girl C for Boy A. Boy spends time with Girl C and begins to neglect Girl A. They drift, and much to Girl A's dismay Boy A becomes infatuated with Girl C to an almost unhealthy point.Girl C  in the process of dating Boy A, gets to know Boy A's friends, one of which consist of  Boy B. Boy B and Girl A have had "relations" in the past.  Girl C, notices Boy B.  THIS IS THE SHITTER.

She leaves Boy A for Boy B (Boy A and B having been friends for years and years) and Boy A is heartbroken. And Girl A's heart breaks for him. Boy A and B also happen to be living in the same house might I add. Talk about torture. He fell pretty badly for the ho. Oh and by the way.Yes... total and utter fucking HO!!! Oh and don't think Boy B got off lightly either. Prick.

Anyhoo... time passes, the house they live in colapses like the perpetual fucking playing cards it was set up to be. Girl C and Boy B eventually break up due to the total and utter crapiness of the circumstances that brought them together. Karma.

Time passes, healing begins with an in ordinate amount of drinking. Drinking drinking and drinking. Girl A and Boy A become best friends. They've been there for each other for some of the worst of it... and then one drunken evening of Dashboard, and empty house, some fairly innocent flirting. And they kiss. Just a kiss.

But it begins something. Something they keep hidden at first.. something for just the two of them. They kiss and they kiss and they begin to love. To love AND to fall in love. The moment Girl A first noticed? She was watching him perform in a local club... he was singing and clutching the mic and he has his face hidden behind a mask but she couldn't take her eyes off him. It was just him and her in that room.  She was so proud to know in her heart that she was his.

2 more years and Girl A and Boy A are living together. He's released his first album to some pretty good reviews - all pretty positive and glowing. Second album comes along... he's been writing it for the past couple of years so she knew it'd be angsty to a degree. But she didn't see it coming. He wrote about her... Girl C. Girl C is something she cannot compete with. Girl A knows she was the first girl to have ever really returned his love... but love unrequited, y'know the ones that got away.... they're always the ones that make the songs. The one's that'll always have a piece of your heart. She thinks Girl C still holds his heart and she can't compete.

I can't compete. I heard the song and it was all for her. And how he hopes that one day he can forget her. Who can compete with songs about a heart that'll never really heal enough to be someone elses? He asked me to listen to the album it it's entirety. I know some of his other mates have heard bits and pieces of it, but I'm the first apart from himself to have heard it. And there it was nestled right in the thick of it. And I knew it. He knew I knew it. When it ended he looked at me and wanted me to say something... so I told him it was a good album. But he prodded me... he wanted more "constructive criticism"... but the words wouldn't come. I can't tell you how it feels to hear something like that.... I can say that it almost feels like the last two and half years have been a lie. I can tell you that I hate her for breaking his heart but I can tell you I hate him more for letting her take so much from him.

He knew I wouldn't say it so he said it... did I wanna hit him for that track.... lol. Hit him? I felt sick to the stomach. But I'm strong. I've always been strong. And he didn't expect me to react so I didn't but tell me how you deal with something like that. He reassures me he loves me... but it's the being second-best to a memory. It's just not something you can fight against.

We're supposed to be moving into a smaller place come July. We're in a shared house at the moment... so there's four of us. Come July it was just supposed to be us... no more stress, just us in our own place, doing our own thing. And now it feels like I'm the carrying the ghost of something I'm never going to be able to escape from along with me. The three of us.
 

Between FW (my old blogging home) being no more and reading the last couple of posts from Dec '06 and Jan '07, I feel the need for an update.

Amazing how time flies (regardless of whether or not you're having a good time, contrary to popular opinion). I feel like the last year or so has been a bit of a rollercoaster - one that I really want to get off of about now. No, really. Please let me off.

I'm tired.

Understatement of the century. You exhaust me. Truly and utterly. You've been a cold-hearted cunt; but a bit of me almost thanks you for it because that sort of behaviour builds defenses and a thicker skin (both of which I've needed more of lately). You left me alone, crying into my hands. Sitting on that train with you, I knew something had to change. I needed something... anything... from you. Just a reason to hang on. I needed you to give me something to hang on to, so I waited til we were home. But I was never going to get anything, was I? You were never planning on giving me an inch. And the only words that kept going around my mind were.... we're just incompatible.

I don't want it anymore. I don't want you anymore. And the only thing I continue to realise is how much of my life I've ruined and wasted because of you. Living with you has complicated matters more than I ever realised it could - and the only thing keeping me here is the alternative. The alternative just makes our situation pale in comparison. So for now... I stay with you. But we both know... it's for nothing but the practicality. I'm nothing if not a pragmatist dear... you taught me that.

God I feel so loney right now. There's not a single person I can talk to. And to be frank there's only one that I'd want to talk to anyway, and that's you.

I love you more than my heart can even take right now, and you're not here. And I'm trying to figure out whether that's by choice or whether you're just avoiding me. I don't know even know where I stand with you right now. You said it was over and for once it wasn't me pulling away from you. You said things that hurt so much. And for a little while there I almost didn't say it, but I knew a minute later that was just me being stubborn.

To clarify, I love you. Nothings going to change that. Not the harsh words we say to eachother, not a petty argument, nothing. Our flaws make up a part of who we are, to change them is to deny yourself that right to be yourself. I've never asked you to change. In fact, I did the opposite. I never want you to change. I fell in love with you, and everything that makes you up. Everything. From the sound of your voice, to the way you touch me, to your (bad) taste in music/films... I love everything Every quirk, every eccentricity... every tiny little bit of you.

Today has felt like those days I used to get you to keep me company on. Y'know, like when me and Simon/J were on again/off again. Those days they'd leave me lingering about the state of our relationship. Today it's you. My best friend , my boyfriend. And I've never felt so alone in the world, than I do right now.

All I want you to do is come online. I want you to say something. Anything. Tell me it's all going to be ok, and we're ok and there's nothing in this world you want more than for us to be together and work. That I'm who you want. When we first got together, I admit, I never saw me falling this deeply in love with you. But now it's happened, I wouldn't change it for the world. Yes, it's you I want, and personally I think it's you I'll always want. But I can't tell you that til you show your face. I'm hoping nothing happened last night. I'm hoping you had a good night but I was still who you wanted. I wonder sometimes if it's easier for you to trust me because there's less of a chance of me going out there and meeting some guy. Because you should remember... I'm stuck here. Waiting for you. Wondering what you're getting up to. And that's not me being paranoid or insecure even. It's me wanting us. Always. I'm waiting for you right now and willing to see your face. To just tell you what you mean to me... I need you to know because last night I failed you completely. I didn't say the right thing... and I don't know whether there's any going back. But I'm going to try anyway. You're it for me. How can you not be it for me?

Please don't leave me.

So, as of tonight we no longer speak to eachother in the evenings. Our evenings belong to ourselves. Without eachother.

I miss you already.

I have to delete you from MSN and Skype, I must remember to do that. Though to be perfectly honest, without you on it, I wouldn't even use it. Once upon a time I remember Simon begging me to not block him, he said we didn't even have to speak, he just needed to know I was there... and I said no. And suddenly I know what it feels like. Right now, I just want to see you online, you don't need to say anything, I just need to know you're there.

This is something I'd never tell you. You're my escape. Life at the moment has been so bad and I've not even realised the extent of it, least not til I'm alone and I feel it. Do you ever get that? I tend to not think a whole lot til I'm by myself, in a quiet moment. And suddenly every fear and dark thought I have lurking in my brain makes an appearence. These past few weeks everything feels like it's come down on my head. Mum getting sick, Dad going away, the J saga, flashbacks, panic attacks, not to mention the SAD. I'm not doing too good and there's not a single one of you that knows. Especially you. I'm sorry if I'm suffocating you but you're what keeps me happy y'know? In all of this madness it's you. Ineed you right now, and all I've had is arguments about the amount of time we spend together. So this was my solution. I can't hear you telling me that you have other things to do. So this is my solution. I do hope you enjoy it 'cus at the moment I don't feel like I can keep you happy. You're complaining when we do see eachother and you're complaining when we don't and I'm killing myself trying to strike the balance and God, in all of this I don't even want to be here. I'm going through the motions for you. I'm trying to be happy and content, I'm trying to function in front of you. I haven't vented, I haven't leaned, yes, I let my mask slip for a second with the flashback, and I'm sorry you had to see me like that. But I promise I'll be less needy. I promise you won't have to pick me up again. I'm sorry. I do hope these evenings away from me from now on will bring you some happiness. Happiness I've taken away from you.You deserve that much.